Communicating with Your Children
I was on a train journey recently going home from Edinburgh and as I was trying to read I was disturbed by a child further along the carriage crying loudly. Not being able to concentrate on my book any longer I paid attention to the sound of the child. She was about three years old and it seemed to me that it was more of a scream I was hearing than a cry. When I was small my mother would have called it crocodile tears. The toddler's mum ignored her for a while and then said in a voice loud enough for us all to hear. You can just cut that out right now.” When the child continued to bawl she shouted, I'm telling you, stop it right now.” The child then just ran up and down the corridor followed by her older brother who by now was also shouting at her.
I found this scenario really interesting and I noticed that I was feeling a bit embarrassed for the young mum while also wondering what it was that the toddler was needing at the time. From watching the slightly unruly behaviour of the older child I was guessing that this situation was not unusual within the family.
I am sure that most of you reading this have either experienced similar situations with your own children or witnessed them on public transport, while shopping, or in any other public place.
Why is it then that so many parents find it so difficult to get children to behave the way they want them to? A very straight forward question, and the answer put simply is summed up in one word: communication.
Communication is about imparting or sharing information of some kind. Effective communication however is to succeed in conveying your meaning to another. These are two totally different things.
Successful communication is dependent on the talker and listener having the same understanding of what is being said and the reasoning behind it. It is about both parties having an opportunity to talk and be listened to. Good communication strengthens relationships where mutual love and respect is fostered.
So what was happening with the family on the train?
My understanding of it would be that initially the toddler needed something that she couldn't quite articulate, like a bit of warmth and comfort from her mum or even just to be noticed. We all need some sort of attention to feel good about ourselves, to remind us that we exist, but we are not always aware of it. When children don't get this by behaving well they will find another way to get it.
From the mum's point of view I am guessing that she was probably tired after a day shopping in the crowds of Princes Street and couldn't think why her daughter was causing so much fuss. I am also guessing that her way of dealing with her children's difficult behaviour is to raise her voice to show them her power because that is all she knows. Her children however have learned not to be frightened of her (shes a softy at heart) and so they respond in kind.
And so, in this particular scenario no one got their needs met. Mum didn't get any peace and although the toddler certainly got attention it wasn't the kind that made her feel warm and comforted.
Children have a whole number of needs to be met if they are to grow into happy, secure, responsible individuals but the trouble is they are not always obvious. Of course for most parents there is little or no training so how are they to know what these subtle needs are, let alone how to meet them?
Safe Space and KASP (Kingdom Abuse Survivors Progect) have recognised the need for supportive training for parents who would like to learn more about how children develop, become more aware of their own communication style and also learn about some alternative ways of managing their children's behaviour. They offer an annual free workshop which allows participants the opportunity to learn through listening and discussion in a small group setting of 10 or less. Participants are free to challenge ideas, offer personal experiences or remain quiet. Each person has something to offer even if it's only their presence.
